Silent tears: hold the loudest pain
As a woman and as a mom I find sometimes that I don’t even have time to cry. I mean who has time to actually allow themselves the time it takes to fully feel our emotions about the day, the situation or the current crisis? No one does! And if I do find myself on the verge I quickly talk myself out of it thinking – 1. I don’t have time for this or 2. If I actually allow myself to shed a tear or two will I ever be able to stop? I am sure we’ve all been there yes? The one place I do find solace or the privacy to cry without interrogation by my husband or daughter is the shower!
Ahhhhhhhhh – the shower! Sometimes my only peace and solitude in my day but there I am alone – with my thoughts and emotions and without anyone asking me a question or without the beeps and buzzes of my cell phone or computer. Just me, the steam, hot water and a few rare minutes to myself. Every once in a while, if I am not in too much of a rush to get ready for work, or start preparing dinner, I allow myself the luxury of a steaming long hot shower, and when that happens I can truly let down my guard for a moment and exhale. Sometimes I do my best thinking in the shower all because I have a moment of clarity. But sometimes this same free moment allows me to feel – to take a moment and embrace what’s going on in my world. What is making me happy, sad or heavy or all of the above. Those rare moments that the tears begin to flow are so freeing. I mean it’s like releasing a huge burden and all without being inspected, questioned or judged. No one even knows that it’s happening. I can even wail, scream and whimper if I want to. No one can hear me! It’s almost magical. A small gift. When I emerge not only has my body been cleansed by so has my soul. I’m ready to begin again!
But the question I ponder is why? – Why can’t we show our pain freely? Why do we as women feel the need to hide or keep our emotions to ourselves? Tears are far from a sign of weakness but is it because we want to “appear” to have it all together? Do we think our emotions don’t matter to those closest to us? What is it about us as mothers, wives, sisters and friends that allow us to nurture and support everyone else but fail to support and love ourselves?
While I think there are many answers to this question each one of us has unique reasons that are based on our individual life experiences. What I do believe is that we all deserve to be heard and accepted. Accepted when we are feeling on top of the world and when we are filled with self-doubt and self-sabotage. The world can be cruel and as we do our best to juggle it all – work, career, family, parenting etc. – we should give ourselves permission to pause – to feel, to be needy and ask for our own support. It is indeed ok to show our weak side – we spend so much time conquering the world it is time to give ourselves a little grace and unveil our vulnerabilities. We spend so much time giving other’s grace we forget that we are deserving too. The beauty in all of it is that in sharing our shortfalls, even if it’s just with one another, we realize that we are all in this constant struggle together. I heard someone reference it as a perpetual state of overwhelm! But the more we have the courage to share, with our partners, family, children and friends, the more power we will have and the easy it will be for us to accept ourselves no matter what state we are in.